U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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