Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
