everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
