the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
