Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
why didn't you poke me back
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
