By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i drank out of a bidet.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
