don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He? As in you personified your dick?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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