I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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