my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
