and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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