I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
