dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
