I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
