I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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