ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
