i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
