I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
