Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
