I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
