I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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