I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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