Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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