apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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