I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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