I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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