Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
