If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
