Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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