And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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