I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
