im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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