my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
