Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
