OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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