sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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