like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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