You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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