You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
