unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
