According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal