If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
reminds me of losing my job
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me