Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame