Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
