I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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