worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
