Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
