i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
