u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
