fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You can't just leave with hair like that
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
