I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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