Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
