I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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