I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
