I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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