The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize