I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
