Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
