Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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