Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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