I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
