Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How's work?
Spinning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
