I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?