He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
