I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
